The Art of Eating M&Ms

I couldn't believe it.  Wendy had no idea on the proper way to eat M&Ms.  She would just grab them willy-nilly, with no thought to etiquette or procedure.  Philistine.  I had to educate her.

First, for those that are not educated in the fine art of M&M eating, yes, there are rules.  Rules are what separate us from the animals.  You don't eat dinner with your hands, do you? 

Order.  It all comes down to order.  Like Darwinism and racism, some colors are more desirable than others.  In ascending order of importance:  blue, red, brown, orange, yellow, green.  The more important and desirable a color is, the more it needs to be savored.  You guzzle a Coke, but you experience a fine wine.  Eat all the blues and reds first.  They are the dregs of the M&M kingdom.  They are the least "sweet" of all the candy-coated chocolate morsels.  They are also the ones with the gaudy colors that look like a desperate cry for attention.  Blue with a pale-white M?  Please.  Those colors remind us of an old-fashioned police box.  Hardly a tasty treat.

And red with white print?  Maybe in Canada.  But here in the good old USA, that's the universal sign of the barber.  The red with white represented blood letting.  Barbaric and atrocious.  How can one imagine blood being a confectionery joy?

Once those two lower orders are removed from the M&M society, we proceed to the browns.  Browns lack class.  Browns are just ordinary.  What color is chocolate?  Brown.  Are we supposed to be impressed by an inability to dress up?  Since the browns insist on living a less-than-ordinary life, we should end that life as early as possible.

The remaining three colors, orange, yellow, and green, represent the top of society.  They are so well respected that they are imitated by the Skittle race.

Yet of the three, orange is the lowest and must be destroyed.  Orange still has too much of the red blood in them.  Unfortunate, but true, breeding is very important.  No matter how many generations pass by, their heritage is still that of the scum of society.  Euthanize.

The remaining yellow and green, besides being valuable due to social standing, become more valuable due to scarcity.  Like diamonds that are expensive because they are kept artificially rare, the powers that be (Mars), intentionally keep the yellow and green populations to a minimum.  Cherish them.

But cherish the green ones even more because the green ones make you horny.  Eat them last lest you never make it through the whole bag due to insatiable lust.

http://www.snopes.com/risque/aphrodisiacs/mandms.asp

By the way, the only reason to not eat M&Ms in the order I described would be deformity.  If an M&M is deformed, it is shunned by its peers and left to die.  However, don't do what Wendy does.  Don't lame the M&Ms on purpose just so you can eat them out of order.  That's inhumane.  (Lame can be a verb)